“We often fancy that we suffer from ingratitude, while in reality we suffer from self-love.” – Walter Savage Landor

There are so many self-help articles, books, blogs and dating coaches talking about self-love and how you have to have self love before you can find a partner, be your best self, get the right job, make your way in life.

Self-love this. Self-love that.

But, what exactly is self-love and how do you find it if you don’t have it? What if you think you have it, but in reality you don’t?

For many years I mistakenly believed that self-esteem and self-love are the same thing. They aren’t.  Maybe you have the same belief.

Do you truly love yourself?

Self-Esteem is defined as

  • a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth

Self-Love is defined as

  • regard for one’s own well-being and happiness

Do you notice the difference? It is a subtle distinction, but a distinction nonetheless.  Worth and well-being go hand and hand, but just because you have one does not mean you have the other.  Valuing yourself does not always mean you love yourself.

I know my value, what I’m worth and what I will put up with in life and relationships.  I always thought this was the same as self-love.  I thought knowing my boundaries meant I must love myself. I thought knowing my value was enough.  It isn’t.

Even if you have self-esteem you may be lacking self-love. If you constantly worry about whether your date or your boyfriend really cares about you, then you lack self-love. If you worry you might say something wrong to push him away, then you lack self-love.  If you change who you are to be with someone else, you lack self-love.

The hardest part is not figuring out if you lack self love, but, how do you get it?

I have to admit that finding self-esteem is way easier (in that it is easier to recognize) than finding self-love.  Gaining self-esteem takes time, energy and practice.  It takes a change in your thought patterns and a new belief system in regard to your personal adequacy.

Where Is This Self-Love Hiding?

Self-love is an entirely different ballgame.  Self-love resides deep within you at the core of who you really are.  There is no way to think yourself into self-love.  There is no way to read a book to find self-love.

For me, finding self-love meant going into the subconscious recesses of the mind.  How did I do this?  How do you? Meditation. Calmness.

Finding calmness with yourself is no easy task.  It starts with self-esteem but you have to go further.  You have to begin to FEEL who you are, not just believe who you are.  Feel sadness. Feel emptiness. Feel joy. Feel disappointment. Feel truth. Begin to feel your authentic self.

Whatever has been missing inside you must be found and accepted.  It isn’t external. It is inside you and waiting to show itself.

If you have extremely strong coping mechanisms like I do it may be difficult, but you can gain self-love.  Try some guided meditations. Choose topics that discuss spiritual healing, journeys that seek answers or even past life regressions.

Slowly you will tap into a piece of yourself that you have buried for a long time. Slowly you will gain not only an understanding but an acceptance of who you really are and what your purpose is for being here.

Meditate every day twice a day. Some days will be easier than others. Some days you will feel more. Some days you will feel less.  It won’t take forever, but you will notice subtle changes.

I know it sounds cheesy, but through meditation I began to embrace my inner child and connect with myself in a way that I had not been able to through any other means.

Soon I became more in tune with my truth and with who I am and once I started gaining self-love I realized I needed to do something more with my life. I need to do more to help others and be creative again.

What will you do once you find self-love?  The possibilities are endless.  Stop living in your head and in your static world.  The world is yours. Create beauty. Create love. Create peace. Create a happy home.  Create anything you want.