“Be straight up with me, either you want to be a f***ing lawyer or you don’t.” – Naomie Olindo

Do you think television is a representation of real life? Do you think you can only learn by reading a book? Maybe, just maybe you can learn how to avoid a break-up by watching Southern Charm.

My boyfriend always asks me why I watch Reality TV and I always give the same response which is, “I find human behavior mesmerizing.” I tend to avoid the overly dramatic or totally dysfunctional shows, but I admit I watch a few and Southern Charm is one of them.

Even though most of the people on Southern Charm live a privileged existence which a lot of us cannot relate to it doesn’t mean we can’t relate to their personal and relationship struggles. Sadness, pain, despair and emotional struggles afflict everyone at one time or another.

As Season 5 starts we learn several couples have split up and if you sit back and take a hard look you’ll see that each is a representation of the relationship life cycle. I wont even talk about Kathryn and Thomas because that would read more like a horror novel meant to torture you to death.

Granted, we don’t know everything that went on during each relationship and I’m sure the show is edited for drama, but they still give us a ton of examples about what not to do if you want to save your relationship.

Austen and Chelsea

They dated for the shortest period (off and on for 6 months to one year) out of all the couples and it isn’t one hundred percent clear if they were ever fully committed to each other. Here’s my take on their problems: Chelsea wants more of a manly man, yet she struggled at times to be truly vulnerable with Austen which comes across as a little rigid. Austen appeared more invested, but like most younger guys has no idea what it means to impress and keep a woman. Hint: Quitting your job and becoming a bum isn’t one of them.

The biggest problem that faced the couple was Vulnerability. Austen went all in and Chelsea didn’t do the same, so he pulled back which caused her to do the same which ultimately caused the break-up. I think they both like each other and they could have a successful relationship if they would both decide to let down their guards and be willing to be hurt.

Naturally you don’t want to have an overnight relationship because that will implode, but once the groundwork has been sown and you have gotten to know each other slowly and spent a reasonable amount of time together you have to decide whether to move forward and moving forward means giving your all and trying to make a go of it.

  • Way #1 To Avoid A Break Up: No Risk- No Reward.

Naomie and Craig

These two have a genuine love, yet they don’t really accept one another. They’re an example of a couple that may be better off as friends and although they have gone their separate ways hopefully they have learned something about themselves and what they want and need in a relationship.

Often, we fall in love with an idea of someone rather than taking the time to learn all about the person, who they are, their flaws, their quirks, their strengths and their ability to be emotionally open.

In my opinion Craig was pretending to be something he’s not and it wasn’t intentional on his part. When they first met he was in law school which infers he’s a responsible, upstanding man with a plan. But, apparently Craig is anything but a man with a plan and although that’s totally acceptable, it wasn’t acceptable for Naomie and that’s also totally acceptable.

He seems to be more of the artistic type with a lot of ideas and a lot of creativity and instead of supporting Craig in becoming the best version of himself Naomi kept putting him down and no man ever wants to be a disappointment to his woman.

Although they dated for approximately three years I wonder if there were warning signs early on. Naomie seems to be a woman who knows what she wants and has a plan to get there and although Craig was in law school, as the year went on he was going out quite a bit, not attending to his responsibilities and eventually lost his job.

I do agree with Naomie being honest with Craig about what she wanted and expected of him, but she didn’t really go about it in the right way. Instead of telling him she valued x, y, z qualities about him she put him down for all the ways he wasn’t living up to her standards.

If you want more out of your man you need to inspire him to be better, not nag him or demoralize him Sometimes a guy needs time to figure out who he really is and if you can’t support him during that time you’re doing him a favor by ending things.

Maybe in time Craig will mature enough to be the man she wants or maybe Naomie wants someone different, its hard to say, but either way you can’t stay in a relationship that consists of fighting, conflict and lack of support. Maybe they were never right for each other from the beginning.

  • Way to Avoid a Break-Up #2 and #3: Choose Carefully & Communicate Effectively

JD and Elizabeth

Based on the television portrayal everyone thought these two were the perfect couple, but like most relationships there were struggles behind the scenes. It hasn’t yet been revealed exactly what went on but there are inferences that JD cheated, wasn’t attentive enough and had financial and business-related problems.

I’m guessing this is the typical “he started taking her for granted, she didn’t speak up and everything fell apart over time” break-up. Relationships take work and effort. For all the men out there: It’s a mistake to think you can just show up every day and be nice and that makes a relationship work. For all the women: You must let him know what you need from him or you’ll end up becoming resentful and that leads to falling out of love.

  • Way to Avoid a Break Up #4 and #5: Don’t Ever Take Your Partner for Granted and Always Express Your Needs

To Recap:

Its interesting to watch each person talk about the break up as if the other person is always to blame (if they do take any personal responsibility it wasn’t shown on air).  It can make us feel better to think everything would have worked out okay “if only”.  We may think, “If only he hadn’t done that or if she hadn’t acted this way then everything would have worked out.”

The truth is that relationships are complex and it can be a ton of reasons why it didn’t work out, but you should be able to walk away with love in your heart because if you can’t it means you have unfinished business.

Break-ups are a time to reflect on why your relationship failed AND to figure out what you did wrong, so you don’t repeat the same patterns.  I harbor no resentment towards any of my ex partners and wish them all the best in this world.  Hopefully you can do the same or better yet, hopefully you can avoid a break up in the first place.

Its hard to watch people suffer from a broken heart because we have all experienced it before and we know what it’s like. But, if you watch carefully maybe you can learn something about how to save your own relationship from falling apart.