“A lover always thinks of his mistress first and himself second; with a husband it runs the other way.” – Honore de Balzac
Are you a mistress? Have you been a mistress? If so, I’m going to give you ten empowering reasons to avoid being a mistress at all costs.
First, let me ask you this. If you have a daughter, or a best friend and she told you she met the love of her life and they are so perfect for each other but there’s just one little problem. He’s married. What would you say? Would you be happy for her? Would you believe that everything would work out fine and tell her she’d made a great choice?
I know why I was a mistress and none of the reasons were good, but at least I knew why I was doing it. At some point, I realized it wasn’t really a relationship, and moved on with my life.
If you are currently a mistress or thinking about becoming one ask yourself this: What do you think the chances are that he will not only leave his wife, but divorce her and then marry you? The chances are slim and estimated to be less than 10%. Do you REALLY think you will be the exception?
So, here’s a list of 10 reasons why you should THINK before you ACT and never become a mistress. If you already are, maybe you will think twice about your choice.
1. You will never be a priority
If you are not a priority what does this mean? It means you do not value yourself enough to be with someone who puts you first. It also means you do not place your own needs as a top priority. If you don’t, who will? At no time will this man put you and your needs before his obligations and his life.
Being a Mistress means you made yourself an option and not a priority. You placed yourself in a position of need instead of want and you are letting someone’s life choices dictate your direction. Confident women do not do this.
You may think he loves you and not her, and he tells you this, but you have NO IDEA what he tells her behind closed doors. Don’t be a fool. Men in this predicament will say what they need to in order to get what they want.
When married men express interest in me, I say, “Thank you very much, but I’m looking for my own husband, not someone else’s”.
By doing this you consciously choose to put a statement out to the world (don’t even entertain the thought of a married man) and the power of the universe will bring new experiences to you. Choose your own life not another woman’s!
2. You are still alone on holidays
If you are single (not married and having an affair) then you are still alone every time a holiday rolls around. Oh, maybe you get to see him for your birthday because the wife doesn’t know it’s a special day, or perhaps he sends you flowers and lingerie on Valentine’s Day- but seriously, is this enough?
Why are you settling for the crumbs he’s dishing out to both of you? He isn’t fully there for her and he isn’t fully there for you, but at least she gets to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with him. What do you get? Family and friends always asking you where your boyfriend is that’s what!
3. You can’t just go out to dinner, grab a drink or see a movie together whenever you feel like it
You are still basically single. Quit pretending you have a boyfriend. You don’t. He has a wife. You have nothing. You still have no one to tuck you into bed and kiss you on the forehead. You don’t have anyone to hold hands with and walk along the beach.
He can’t just get up and go somewhere and be with you. Everything is clandestine. You want to go out to dinner. He has to worry about who will see him so nights are always spent in your apartment. Although you think those little moments are everything. They are really nothing.
4. You have no one to take vacations with
You want to go to that romantic all-inclusive destination advertised on television. Oh, wait, that’s right you can’t. How in the world would he ever get a week away? He won’t. He can’t. You have to go to Vegas and be hit on by drunk hipsters instead. Don’t you love being a mistress?
5. You always “fit in” to his schedule
He has to get off the phone when she’s about to come home. He only has five minutes on his drive from work to talk. He can only see you for two hours on Friday. He can meet you for a quick lunch on Wednesday at noon, but only at your place.
You wait around hoping that you will get to see him and set aside time in case he will be free. You don’t make plans with friends or go out when you should, just in case he needs to see or talk to you during that time. What is good about this?
6. You feel like a secret
You feel like a secret, because you are a secret. How does it feel to hide your love and hide your feelings from everyone? How does it feel to be hidden away and taken out only when it’s convenient?
No one likes to feel like they aren’t important, or like they’re with someone who can’t tell anyone about their relationship. Being a secret does not feel good. Over time it will wear you down.
7. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you
This is one of the scariest reasons. Why did he cheat on his wife? Why Do Men Cheat? Every woman likes to think it was because there was something wrong with the wife, but you’re so perfect for him he’d never cheat. Think again.
If he cheated because there was lack of communication it could easily happen again. If he cheated because he needs an enormous amount of attention to feel good about himself, it’s likely you will never be enough and it could happen again.
If a man cheats with you, can you really trust him? Deep down inside? I don’t think I could. Often the reasons he cheated don’t disappear with a divorce, they just go into hiding for a while. If you want to take your chances on that, be my guest. But, the odds are not in your favor.
8. He wants sex. You want love.
Sometimes men cheat because their wives stop wanting sex as much, or aren’t as adventurous. They truly love their wife and want to keep their life and family intact, but need more sex and/or different kinds of sex.
At first, you may think it’s great. No commitment sex with a guy who is completely enamored with you. The problem is that women tend to fall in love once we have sex, because of this little thing called “oxytocin”.
Over time, you will fall in love, and you will assume he has too, because you can’t conceive of the fact that he doesn’t feel the same way. But, I assure you, he can and he will feel differently. Men do not view sex the same as women. He can easily keep you on the side and not fall in love with you. He may like you a lot, but is that really enough?
9. Sex may be steamy, but it is totally inconsistent
So, you’re having this crazy, amazing sex. You are addicted to each other. Just talking, Skyping or seeing each other drives you absolutely crazy. But how often does this happen? Do you get to come home to it? Is it waiting for you with candles and red wine? Likely not.
The sex may be crazy hot, but it isn’t consistent. It happens whenever and wherever it can, which makes it all the more enticing. But, this my friend is not reality. This feeling is your endorphins and adrenaline kicking in and other things that don’t last.
10. You can’t develop true intimacy with someone who is living a lie
You think you love him. You think he loves you. Maybe you do love each other. But, what kind of love is it? You may share everything communication-wise, but you don’t share your lives, and without that you’re only sharing the good times and never the hardships of living day to day.
You are both living a lie and although you think you have intimacy, you don’t. What you have is a façade of intimacy. Without the hard times, you don’t know what true intimacy means.
If and when he decides to leave his wife AND file papers then, maybe. But still, is he going to be ready to jump into a relationship with you? If he is, I’d be a little skeptical.
I can’t comprehend why any self-respecting woman who wants a REAL relationship would ever want to be a mistress. What do you really get out of the relationship other than second-hand love?
Hey, I get it. Sometimes we are at a place where we can’t deal with true intimacy. I’ve been there. But, once you pull yourself out of that hole, decide that you want and deserve better – and remember these 10 not-so-seductive reasons why you should never be a mistress.
I feel this. I was a mistress and never actually mattered.
Well you can tell that I am on this situation right now, same reason why I reached on reading your blog. I am 29 years old, never been in a relationship before but right now I’m with a married man. Even I can’t believe that i am actually on this situation. I don’t know where and how to walk away from this. But I need to rebuild myself, I need to see my worth. He keeps on assuring me that he loves me but being kept is not loved at all. Right now we agreed to stop talking for the meantime because his wife is already doubting him. I am not actually a bad person, I didn’t mean to break or cause trouble to a family especially to his daughter, I don’t wanna hurt her. There are times that even I cannot recognized myself 🙁 Like hey girl you’ve waited for 29 years for Mr. Right and then suddenly you dragged yourself in this situation, better wake up. 🙁
I totally get it. Sometimes we get into things without thinking. But, if he is married then by definition he isn’t Mr. Right. Let him resolve his relationship and family issues. Then, once he is free you can consider him. Also, ask yourself why you are settling for someone who isn’t available? I know why I did it (wasn’t ready for real commitment)…..Good luck
I have been in a relationship with a married guy, he has two kids for almost a year and I don’t mind seeing him while he is married as we are both not ready to move in together yet but are planning to in another year. However, when my family came to find out about the affair, they were against it and informed his wife. Also mentioning that, before I met him , there were already arguments and fights in his marriage. Please may I know what should he do in this situation as he really loves me and I really do love him.
He doesn’t love you. If he did he would want what’s best for you. When and IF he gets a divorce THEN you should try. Until then he has other obligations and children. You only know what he’s telling you which is usually only half of the truth. If he was already having problems having an affair won’t solve them.
Thank you so much for your reply, please can I have your email address as I would like to talk to you further.
carrie@acinglife.com
I have been with relationships with the man . After 3 months I just find out that he is married.
We were having such a good time .
He admitted with me last night that he has been married for 12 years . I was shock . Cuz I always believe in him . The problem now is he is my business partner . We will have a huge project to do together . What should I do ?
I have been in a relationship with a married man for 3 months now, well more like common law but they still considered it a marriage after being together for 8 years. Our relationship has gone from flirting, to sex, to bf/gf. We started out as work friends. At first, he would talk about his wife and his family and I remember him once telling me that he “did not cheat and wasn’t that type of person”, but as we grew closer I noticed he stopped talking about his wife, stopped calling her his wife, and started flirting with me. He was so irresistible and I thought he was a great guy, our relationship went really fast in three months. After much flirting and sex, we both fell in love and said I love you to each other, all during this time, he and his wife were having problems, arguing and he told me that he was done with their relationship but she wasn’t ready to let him go. After a few weeks they got into an argument again and she finally. said she was done so they split up. Since then, we’ve been kind of official, slowly working into our relationship and doing things together while she is still trying to contact him to work it out with he keeps telling her no. She doesn’t know about me but had a feeling that he was cheating. Some things we still don’t do together yet, I haven’t met his family but my family knows of him, he has met my daughter, we still feel awkward holding hands in public, but I feel this is normal. He says he loves me, wants to be with me and be public about our relationship soon. The problem is he’s leaving to work in another state and I’m not sure how that will work for us, I just feel like he could cheat on me even though he says he’s never done that with his ex, or lie to me about things that he should tell me and I’m not so sure I trust this relationship and even though I don’t want to feel suspicious of everything he does, I do because of our history and seeing him lie so easily to his ex and his family when he would be gone for awhile. Im not sure I want this relationship anymore, even though he says he’s in it for good.
If he has done it WITH YOU…he will do it TO YOU. He is not being honest. If he were then he would get a divorce FIRST and then pursue you. Stay with this man at your own risk. You don’t know what he tells his wife when you aren’t around. If he was done he would file for divorce. Actions speak louder than words.
I am married and dealing with a guy who is in a relationship and has 3 kids with the lady. We been doing this for over a yr now. We meet at our secret spot 2-3 times a week, we talk and have sex yes car sex smh how cheap. We text all day unless he is home or around her. He says he loves me and he wished we could do things together but we knew one another’s situation. He says he loves me, and he’s always happy to see me and I fill the void on what she isn’t doing or giving him. I have been helping him financially as well. Deep down I don’t want to be an option anymore, he says I’m not. His gf says she doesn’t want the relationship anymore but he doesn’t want to leave due to the kids but yet she tells him what she wants him to do more of and he’s doing all that. Doesn’t that mean that he still wants that relationship and not being honest with me about it? He says I’m not a side piece since he claims they are not together but yet we can’t go out and do things, talk when he can.. How do I gain enough self respect, self love to put me first and leave him alone.. l
Only you know how to improve your self respect. First, I’d cut things off and second I’d recommend some therapy. You ARE a side piece. Do not listen to what men say…what what they do.
I know this blog was like a year ago but im hoping that the writer see this comment and give me an advice on my situation right now.
So Im a M for like 10 months now and this man that Im having a relationship is married and has a kid, i dont know what to do, were just like a family or relatives or whatever its called because our families are close to each other, this guy, I trusted him and like I dont have feelings for him because yeah were like Family but before we had our relationship i didnt expect that he will express his feelings for me, telling me that he liked me. At first i was shocked, confused and offended and I was like why does he like me when we see ourselves as family, and in otherhand hes married and have family. After he tell me that, I ignored him, i dont want to have closure to him, so everytime we meet i ran away from him, ignoring him the best that I can, so later on I thought that his feelings for me just got away so I did just forget everything he said to me. But a year pastby, when this day came, I was sick. He took care of me, at that time I just needed a Mom who will take care of me but instead he was there for me took care of me. Thats where our relationship started when He said to me that he loves me no matter what, and keep telling me that he likes me over again. I did ask him why me? Why do you love me when you have already a family? And were just like also family? He just answered me that he dont know why he loves me, that just his hearts keep telling him, he loves me, he dont know why, he just want to take care of me, and also because he pities me on my situation where I have a hard life and also for my family. I dont know why I accepted this relationship when I know that its not the right thing to do and i know that he has a family,. He plans for our future, he has so many plans for us, he also keeps telling me that he is working hard to earn more money for our future then I on the other side keep telling him that we should break up now but he dont want to because he said that he’ll be hurt so bad that he wants to commit suicide, i keep telling him that our relationship is just a mistake or maybe he just need me because he dont get what he needs from his wife or like just desirement. But he answered me that that is not what he wants from me, he just loves me so much thats why and he keeps saying that “I cant get you out of my heart and mind, I miss you everyday when im not beside you and your not beside me then he keeps telling me that hes always guilty for me not for his family but for me, because hes not here by myside always when i needed him hes not there, thats why he keeps telling me that hes guilty, and I was like why? Why is this like this? I didnt want this relationship like this, i dont want to destroy a family. Right now Im coping depression and stress and always overthinking on the situations that could possibly happen in the near future.
Im always thinking, what should I do? What i have done, I blame myself for this. Should i leave this relationship? Or should I leave then never see him again?
Please help me, need an advice.
Get OUT NOW. This is manipulative. This is NOT a relationship. He has a wife. He has a child. Don’t blame yourself. He is taking advantage of you. I suggest cutting off contact 100% and do not speak to him until your are fully over it. You deserve someone fully committed to you and not someone who will take advantage of your proximity and naivete. You are making a man a priority who is making you an option. Please don’t.
I am a mistress of a MM. We made sure that no one will know about our secret relationship. He will start the day by sending me one good morning message and end it with one goodnight message but I didnt need to reply because he is with his wife.
For the past 11 months, we are always exchanging messages during working hours. He will escape for at least 2 minutes to visit me in my office and kiss me then go away so that no one will see us. But starting last month, all I received is just the morning and evening messages. He will call only when he is on the way to the office and when he is going home but it only lasted for seconds because he have to delete the call register.
I told him I feel like he is ignoring me and he is afraid to see me even for a second. But he says that I am just stressing my self. He just laugh and tells me I am not ignored. We are okay now but I am not happy. I have low self esteem now. I think he is having another woman. I dont know if it is just my instinct. I have composed several breakup message but im afraid to lose him.
That is NOT a relationship. He has a wife. You are not his priority. You already had low self esteem which is why you are even dating a married man in the first place. What are you afraid to lose? Be honest? You don’t have him and you don’t have a real relationship, trust me I know. I’ve been there. You might want to spend your time focusing on why you believe you deserve nothing from a man and then work on your self esteem because you DO DESERVE MORE. You deserve a man who will fully commit to you.
Thank you for your reply. This is what I really needed now. I have no one to turn to because I am afraid of what my friends will think of me.
For exactly 1 year (it’s our anniversary today), I always believe in all the things he is telling me. That he loves me so much. And I believed him when he told me that its not just my body that he wants because to be honest, we only did “it” thrice and the rest is just kissing and hugging each other secretly in my office room. And it’s painful because he doesnt give me time, effort and affection. But I know that it’s time to move on with my life. And I am really thankful because of you and your website
He doesn’t really love you because if he did he would want what’s best for you and holding onto you when he has a wife is just selfish and not loving! He can’t give you time or affection because he has a wife. Please look out for yourself. He isn’t going to do what’s best for you and he’s proven that. Plus, can you really ever trust a man who cheats? If he has done it with you he’ll do it to you and is that the sort of man you want?
I’m a product of that kind of affair. My parents are not married, and my father’s not divorced to his wife since divorce isn’t legal in my country. Sure, my father “chose” my mother because apparently my mother gave him an ultimatum 30+ years ago–“pick me or your family because we’ve been ‘together for five years and this can’t go on anymore.'”
Oh, years later, (surprise surprise) my father still cheated on my mother when she was pregnant with my brother. My mother caught him and my father would’ve probably completely abandoned us had she not. All of this stuff I’m writing is my mother’s narrative ever since her rage burst out last year over everything. (I’m basically her therapist ever since childhood). My parents are still…together living in constant psychological corrosion.
I’m 28, female, single and completely clueless about dating. Growing up seeing my parents (more like my mother bitching and whining to my father) fighting left and right, hearing things children aren’t supposed to hear, I really don’t know what is “normal.” I’ve become weirdly paranoid with my guy friends with girlfriends I’m not sure what to think of their simple thoughtful text messages.
Growing up is a complete shit show and a lot of putting up a nice front. I grew up in a conservative Christian environment and always had that conflicting feeling of having to hide the truth that my parents aren’t married or what not.
I’m just a product, not the woman in an affair or whatever. But I think the damage will be collateral. Living in an environment that puts a premium on denial. Sure, I will play with the hand I’m dealt with…
I’m so sorry to hear this. Both of your parents were extremely selfish and you’re paying the price. Know that you can’t change what happened but you can change your future. Naturally you’ll be sensitive to cheating and that’s okay. It will take time to sort out what’s normal and figure out who you can trust. You are the product of an affair, but that doesn’t define who you are. If anything let it build your character so you establish who you are and what your boundaries are going forward in life and know you deserve better
these are the exact words I wanted to hear right now. I am a mistress for six years, 3 years for the first guy and 3 years now on my present. I don’t know why I was always faced with this kind of situation, I was weak and vulnerable, I allowed them to enter my life when I was on my loneliest point. I thought the present guy will be whole lot different but it seems that it is turning the same with my previous experience. As for the present, we’ve bee long distanced for about 6 months now but He promises to go back in this country where I am now but due to the current pandemic, we couldn find a way to proceed with our plans. he promises a lot to me and said that he loves me so much and just wanted to be with me and live with me. he have so many plans and all. but there are days even weeks that he wasn’t messaging me, and again, its been 4 days that he didnt send a single message and it bothers me. it makes me so sad (this things happens repeatedly and i was always badly hurt), by the ways, he was with his wife and kids right now. he always tell me that they are not in good terms and not talking to each other anymore, only when its about the kids (but sure it was a lie)
what do i expect, I am just another woman. I’m tired of being in this situation and always wanting to leave and to seek for a professional help, to be honest, this situation is so depressing, i lost my confidence and self worth. I wanted to love myself again, I am 29 years old, I have a good career, but felt like I wasted many years of my life to living a life based on lie and secret. I wanted to start living again and experience true happiness. Upon reading your page, i think twiced, and decided to deactivate my account in instagram to finally stop communicating with him. I ghosted him, but not receiving any msg from him for four days felt that I was ghosted too. I just wanted to start living again, to be truly happy, to start a fresh and new life. However, sometimes, I was thinking that no one will ever take me seriously anymore due to my past, if they found out that I was then the other woman, that will make them feel that I am not worthy. this life is just so sad and hard. I was weak.
You’re only 29 and you have plenty of time! Right now you work on YOU and forget him. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t keep you as a mistress he would set you free to find happiness in a real relationship. Maybe spend some time thinking about why you have chosen unavailable people. You’re worthy. Your past does not define you….
I am 33 years old and a mistress for almost 4 years now. Its also a long distance relationship since we both live in different countries. Him and the mother of his kids live together but they are not married. He only videocall from his car on the way somewhere and during holidays he is busy with family and never heard from him. Right now i told him i needed space and he didnt message somehow i hope he will… Its so hatd to break free especially he helps me bit financially im a single mother aswell
Well, that’s not a relationship really. Only you can decide your value and then establish your boundaries. I’m sure you can meet a man who would marry you, love you and help you because that’s what couples do for each other. Doesn’t your child deserve a REAL father?
I’m current in a reverse situation. I am a 35yr old man, who has been seeing a 38yr old woman who is married, and has a 2yr old daughter. I suffer from depression, and I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorders. We have been seeing each other for about 7 months.
We found out 12 weeks ago she was pregnant, and we both decided (really it’s her decision) to keep the baby.
I’ve been extremely depressed over the entire situation, finding very little to no relief from the stress of not being important enough to leave the husband, and no involvement with my unborn child. The husband has been described as angry, verbally abusive, and erratic (put his head through a door). I am not comfortable with her being there.
I’ve been questioning the relationship a lot, especially in the last 4 months. We split in the summer, only to realize we have no social life anymore, and were alone…so we got back together. We split up again on my birthday, so she left me hanging for the dinner I had arranged so she could meet my friend and the rest of my family…she already met my mom in the summer time.
I’ve had to drop everything when she’s had the window of opportunity to meet me, and even then has cancelled because her husband decided to join her.
I met someone about a month ago, who thinks I’m amazing, and believes I deserves attention and love, without having to hide and lie to everyone.
I ended the relationship with the woman who is carrying my child, and I don’t feel like a good person for doing so. My therapist and I have concluded that I’m burnt out, and need to focus on my well being…as I’ve been neglecting myself since seeing the 38yr old.
I’ve been trying to keep myself involved with my unborn child, because I’m not wanting to give up on that aspect of the relationship…because I don’t want to be a dead beat dad. I’ve been recently told I need to give her space, and am no longer welcomed to the appointments in regards to our child.
2 weeks after we split, she found a place to live, and is moving next weekend…and doesn’t want my help now. I was orginally going to help pay for the moving expenses, help with rent and help move her…now she’s all alone in this, knowing I will drop everything at a moment’s notice to help her.
I’m lost, and found myself needing reassurance that this situation is common, and find some relief to my lack of input and control over this situation…then I found this site.
There aren’t any references to a gender reversal situation to being a mistress…but all 10 reasons are applicable to me still, so I’m writing this.
I’ve skipped over a lot, as I don’t have the best organization skills or memory.
I honestly dont know why I’m writing all of this. I guess I just feel alone and helpless. The woman I’m seeing now has been a great comfort to me, and I’m just not used to that. I’m used to hiding and lying…which goes against my moral code, as I’ve been trying to be more assertive with my life, and take control of the things I can (diet, routine, ect).
I’m not sure what else to write, so I thank you for having this website available to make me feel like I’m not alone, and the things I’m feeling are common.
Just so you know – you can totally take control of being in the life of your child. As soon as the child is born file for paternity. She does NOT get to dictate the terms to you. However, if she is married when the baby is born the husband is presumed the father so if you don’t go to court you have no rights. I agree you should focus on things you can control. I don’t care if the husband is abusive…that isn’t an excuse to cheat and become pregnant by another man so her morals may be a bit questionable. The woman you’re seeing sounds like a great support. Maybe you should ask yourself why you gravitate towards someone who will require that you settle? Hang in there.
It is hard
It is. But, life is hard and life is made up of the little decisions we make each day. One day you hopefully wake up and realize you deserve someone wholly and completely.
I’m 40. And I’ve been in a relationship with a MM for 12 years. Right now I’m severely depressed for he couldn’t come to see me yesterday though I had an emergency.. he was at home.. he said he had nothing to tell his wife to leave home and come to my appartment. He begged he’d come on the following day. I’m done. I blocked him.
You ladies can and must leave this kind of relationships. But in my case I don’t blame myself for falling into this trap.
I live alone.. like an orphan.. I don’t have a family..parents..siblings or any relatives. I also don’t have friends. They live abroad. I live in an appartment and I rarely see any neighbour. I don’t have a job… My whole life is a suffering.. So I must have settled for less. He was the only human in my life to talk to and he supported me financially. But I can’t walk through this pain over and over again… Whatever it may be they choose their wife, ladies, not us..
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Many of us settle so it isn’t at all abnormal. We question our worth, our value and let others dictate how we see ourselves. It sounds like you’re in a time of rebuilding and you’ve been given a gift to start anew. My inbox is always open.
It’s so depressing and unusual that I have been stuck with a MM for 10years. I am 35 and he is 20 years older then me. I haven’t realized how time flew and I am still in this situation where I haven’t been happy. Being 35, I want to do so much with my life and separable time. Our vacations are limited…matter fact, everything is limited. I meet decent guys all the time and once I figure moving on and being free is the best option, here comes MM to ruin things designed for me, and I allow him to do so. I am working on taking back control in my life. It hasn’t been easy without Therapy, being positive and having strong support.
I am tired if living like this. I came across this article because I am so depressed and believe now is the time to say enough is enough. This is a new year, new decade and a new me. Guarantee that he will be in the same situation at home or with someone else in a few years. And ladies, its been 10 for me and it’s been the same especially when it comes to him divorcing. He will always say it’s complicated, there are properties involved oh and their youngest teenage child.
I am tired and if you are a mistress, leave now!!
You go girl! Any man who TRULY LOVED YOU would let you go. He wants his cake and eat it too and yes 100x you deserve better. It doesn’t make him a bad guy-only selfish and not looking out for you and your best interests and that in and of itself makes him a bad partner. Good luck!
Thank you so much for this article! I cut off things with a married man today and this article was the confirmation I needed. I loved how you didn’t sugarcoat things. We often romanticize these affairs instead of calling them what they are: dead end relationships. Now I will focus on loving myself and hopefully in time, I will have the loving and honest relationship that I deserve.
I know its hard, but in time you’ll be okay. You DEFINITELY deserve more!
I call things off with a married man on the tenth and just now trading this article. Confirming everything that down deep inside I knew. However I did tell his wife about his affair, which I’m sure I wasn’t the only one he was seeing. Hopefully she opens her eyes and sees who he really is. Now I can sleep better at night.
I disagree. I have been a mistress to someone 5 years my younger for 8.5 years. We live in different countries and neither of us wants a long-term relationship and neither of us wants to move to the others country because this point in our lives it doesn’t make sense for either of us to do that, so we have agreed that when and if we want to talk or see each other we will always be there and do our best to make it happen. I have been to his hometown to visit and have met his family, and his closest friends. Whenever he’s in town his friends know who I am and we all hang out and spend time together. I’m happy not having the 24/7 commitment, I have a very crazy life of my own with a very busy schedule that changes from week to week so this kind of connection is all that I’m looking for. We have talked many times over eight years about running off to get married but then we both laugh because we know that neither of us wants to relocate, but we are happy being together apart, if that makes sense? Over the years he has had a few girlfriends, but his relationships have always been very destructive and explosive and always end in a huge mess and he always comes back to me and tells me he should have picked me instead of her but then we are back at square one with each other. Now he is engaged for two years and I didn’t hear from him for almost an entire year so I thought it was over until he reached out a few months ago and told me he has never stopped thinking about me, he dreams about me often and he still loves me just as much as ever and still wishes we could get married. He often says things that leave me feeling as though he’s expecting me to say more and be more open about my feelings, and perhaps if I told him I loved him back at any point over the last eight years our relationship would have taken a different turn. I have often pinched myself because I know exactly what it feels like to be cheated on, I was with my ex-husband for 13 years and he cheated on me for 12, but now that I am in my situation, I know that if it’s going to happen it’s going to happen no matter who it’s with. While it may be selfish for me to think this way, I am happy with this man being a plane ride away and telling me he loves me and dreams about me without having to commit to spending money on gifts and going through the whole relationship debacle. I have always believed that if it’s meant to be it will always find a way and if that is our Fate then so be it but if not I will be okay with it also. You can’t escape the fate that is waiting for you and if I find someone who I fall madly in love with I also have the power to break it off with my guy.
You aren’t a mistress so the issue isn’t the same. You are a girlfriend. He isn’t married and you’re completely 100% free to choose this type of relationship as is anyone who is not married. I have no problem with two adults making decisions about what type of relationship they want. I also don’t think either of you want a real relationship and that’s okay as well. It isn’t anyone’s place to judge what consenting adults want. However, your guy is NOT married. If you are interested in a guy who would be engaged to someone else, but long for your behind her back then I hope he never chooses you and does the same to you as it sounds extremely immature and self-serving on both of your parts. But, again…not my place to judge. I don’t believe what you have is love.
Excellently written to stir up the exact emotions one might feel when these situations happen! Today I finally decided to walk away after six months. These men will do a lot to keep you around and maybe go the extra mile so that they do not lose you, but it will never be consistent. Every outcome of the scenarios you mentioned occurred to me. I’ll read this every time I feel bad for walking away (even though there is no reason to feel bad, I am just lonely)
Thank you!
Good for you! You deserve better and although you’re feeling lonely now it won’t last forever….
Presently, I am a mistress in love with a married man. Our conversations are meaningful and knowing him encourages me to continue learning. However, the more I know about the unconditional love he has for his wife and children, the less love I have for myself. I almost always feel lonely, but articles such as these help me develop some clarity. I don’t believe that I will continue our relationship; it is more destructive than it is meaningful in my life. Thank you for helping women rediscover that self-worth.
I’m glad you found the article helpful and I’m wishing you happiness and health in the new year!
I am currently in this situation we were actually a couple for some time then the wife came back into the picture we are or were in love i am a least. but now its me to the side set with set days until she moves back in he says he loves me he is in love with me but has to do right by his family cause he also loves them and they come first. i have battled myself on these powerful reasons you speak of but i don’t want to let go i feel i cant. i am waiting and hoping the day will come when he sees he cant be without me and we can all be a family together. . . . but that is never going to happen is it….. i have so much hope and all i am doing is destroying myself.
“but has to do right by his family cause he also loves them and they come first.” AS THEY SHOULD. Adults can do what they wish, but if there are children involved then you owe it to them to step back and step out and go on with your life. Let him figure out his issues and ONLY AFTER he has divorced should you even remotely consider a relationship and my guess is you wouldn’t even want him if he was fully free. The chance of your relationship working out is 3% so if you want to bet your future on those odds…its totally up to you. Every day your life is slipping away while he is living his….
Is it better to be a single than being a mistress? I am 52. I cannot possibly find a single man I feel I can get along with. I tried many years but could not find anyone. That is the cold reality. I was with a married man until recently. He is 58 and his wife is 58. She had vasectomy. She has pain during sex he feels too anxious to have orgasm. With me I am the best lover he ever had. His children all grown up and married. His wife is very controlling even if he pays all the bills. He married when he was a senior in college so he seems codependent on her. He also grew up in household with alcoholic father. Anyway I could not take it any more I ended. It is like his wife has all the power he dances along with it. And I have to also dance along. He has to always hurry home so she does not suspect. He and I could have open relationship but his insecure controlling wife won’t allow it. Anyway I ended and how they live is not my business..thank God. I guess I will just live alone. At least I am in peace.
Of course he tells you all those bad things about her as if he’s the victim. Take some time for yourself. You don’t have to live alone forever…unless that’s what you believe and if you believe it then that’s what you’ll get. I met my guy when I was 47 or 48 and I have a TON of friends who just got married who are all around the 45-55 age range. If your peace means being alone then be alone! But, if you want someone in your life you can find them…
Hi this article is true but still im asking myself why im ending up in a relation with a married man which is technically y boss weve been together for 3 years now and im asking myself how i manage that. For 3 years it was fun but most of the time i was in pain because after work that is only our time together 30m we dont go out at night because he doesn’t want his wife to feel suspicious so in that 30m that is only our time together . Many times i told him that i cant bear the pain anymore and have to let go but still i cant do it i love him so much he always told me that when he’s with me that is only his me time he explain that his family is his personal life i am his private life and the way he explain how he wanted me in his life the wanted i want it more. I dont knw what to do ilove him but i have to love myself i know i have to do something for my life i dont want to stock with i also wanted to have my own family which he cannot give me he also clearly told me that he cant offer me that.I feel like im just stock in his life making him feel good then at the end of the day im still alone. 😔
You tell me….only you know why you settle for less than. When I did it …I did it purposely. I didn’t want intimacy. I wasn’t ready for a real relationship, but I knew it wouldn’t last. You ARE still alone. If he truly loved you he’d let you go….don’t you think? We make excuses for why its okay and why his needs are more important than our own. But what do YOU want???? To stay with a man like this means you don’t truly value yourself and until you do you won’t let go.
So, I don’t understand how to convince myself to forget him when I know all of the reasons above and more of why I shouldn’t be with him. Without him nearby, it’s easy to see the ugly side to all this, the selfishness we both had, the carelessness, the dishonesty, the lust. None of it seems to be enough to completely forget him. I don’t know if this means I have no morals, if I can’t connect with my morals, or if it’s simply because I don’t have anything else in my life going on that I can look forward to with rapture (other than hoping he would contact me again). We have a child together, and although I regret he is the product of an affair, I cannot regret my son. He is the love of my life. I want to let go of the monster I am so enamored with, and the monster that lives inside of me, to become a person worth the title of “mother”. How do I do it?
You aren’t a monster. We all make choices in life to meet needs…often the way we meet those needs is through negative behavior patterns. You should not regret your son but it must be difficult for him to grow up without a father (something he wasn’t given a choice about). Maybe ask yourself what purpose its serving to hold onto him? It could very well be that it prevents you from having to focus on “You”….
All behaviors serve a purpose. What is yours?
I am a mistress and can tell you that I still love him. What can I do. I have even stalked his daughter and sent her stuff to get him to respond. He will not. I was a fool.
I’m sorry to hear that. Being a mistress in all honesty means you believe you don’t deserve better. You are settling for crumbs and you may love him, but he doesn’t love you. Any man who truly loved you would let you go. Stalking him certainly won’t get you what you want and only hurts his child which is 1. unfair, irresponsible and immature and 2. will push him further from you. It sounds as if you’re struggling with some insecurity and low self-esteem so maybe take the focus off him and the relationship and focus on yourself for the next 60 days and then reassess. You may find that you’ve entirely changed your mind. Good luck! You deserve more.
I am in my 60’s. I look and act much younger, probably because of all the care I take for my health. At my age, even if I date down by ten or 15 years, there do not seem to be any eligible men. All reasonably eligible men are married or have girlfriends. The single men that I do befriend and hang out with are either: gay; socially phobic; disabled to the point where they cannot participate in society; illiterate and possibly homeless; players who bed a new woman each night; mentally ill. There are tons of married men who are extremely successful, as I have been, and continue to be, but whose wives are disabled by illness. I’m surprised these men have not divorced their wives. They feel a commitment to their wives, which, in a way is unfortunate for those of us who are still in good health, active, and sexual.
Although these men ask me for sex, I draw the line at that point. But, otherwise, they are wonderful friends…sweet, kind, fun to be with, and all points in between. If someone were to guide me in a direction that would lead me to a healthy single man at the same socioeconomic level I am at, I would be in seventh heaven!!! But no amount of internet dating, meetups, or work-related activity has put me in contact with that man. Maybe there are matchmakers; I’m starting to look.
Note that about 50 percent of single men I know or meet online really do want to date down in age…way down by about 40 years. Maybe at some point they will want to settle down with a contemporary, but I have never witnessed this.
I can’t emphasize enough that this is a societal problem, not an individual one. We older ladies who can compete in any gym class with 20 year olds still need companionship.
I am grateful to my male friends who allow me to bend their ears…
So, out of self defense and a need to have male companionship, I have a lot of married male friends.
It sounds like you have friendships more than anything and I wouldn’t classify that as being a mistress. What about dating a man who isn’t in your same socioeconomic level (as long as you aren’t paying for him!). For example, if I only dated men who have degrees I wouldn’t be with my boyfriend (who can’t spell to save his life but is super awesome). Maybe expand a little? But, I empathize as I know it does get harder to date and find eligible men the older you get.
All of the above relates to me.he wouldn’t even acknowledge me as his friend in front of people.no conversation in front of people but he talked to other people in front of me.he made sure i was left out on his behalf and it hurt and i felt embarrassed in front of him even though it all came from him.i developed low low self-esteem.i didn’t fix myself up while seeing him and her look perfect.i sat in my room while they enjoyed going places together and the way i know is because he would always brag to me about what they did or what they were about to do. He’d show me videos on his phone of all the fun they had that day or night.they enjoyed holidays together but he’d never ask me how my holiday went.he said he loved me but he didn’t.one time he lied and said he was in love with me.he said it was because i earned it.WOW.NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE. I went through alot in order to keep it goin.after all it was my effort that kept it goin not his.but im copeing even though now im alone.
I’m sorry Pamela….I know it hurts now but only you can be the source of your esteem. Maybe focus on why you were attracted to someone who would treat you so poorly (it probably reinforces your negative beliefs of yourself). BUT…the good news is you can create your own future and your own self-esteem and you can find an amazing man who will treat you right. You deserve it.