“A lover always thinks of his mistress first and himself second; with a husband it runs the other way.” – Honore de Balzac
Are you a mistress? Have you been a mistress? If so, I’m going to give you ten empowering reasons to avoid being a mistress at all costs.
First, let me ask you this. If you have a daughter, or a best friend and she told you she met the love of her life and they are so perfect for each other but there’s just one little problem. He’s married. What would you say? Would you be happy for her? Would you believe that everything would work out fine and tell her she’d made a great choice?
I know why I was a mistress and none of the reasons were good, but at least I knew why I was doing it. At some point, I realized it wasn’t really a relationship, and moved on with my life.
If you are currently a mistress or thinking about becoming one ask yourself this: What do you think the chances are that he will not only leave his wife, but divorce her and then marry you? The chances are slim and estimated to be less than 10%. Do you REALLY think you will be the exception?
So, here’s a list of 10 reasons why you should THINK before you ACT and never become a mistress. If you already are, maybe you will think twice about your choice.
1. You will never be a priority
If you are not a priority what does this mean? It means you do not value yourself enough to be with someone who puts you first. It also means you do not place your own needs as a top priority. If you don’t, who will? At no time will this man put you and your needs before his obligations and his life.
Being a Mistress means you made yourself an option and not a priority. You placed yourself in a position of need instead of want and you are letting someone’s life choices dictate your direction. Confident women do not do this.
You may think he loves you and not her, and he tells you this, but you have NO IDEA what he tells her behind closed doors. Don’t be a fool. Men in this predicament will say what they need to in order to get what they want.
When married men express interest in me, I say, “Thank you very much, but I’m looking for my own husband, not someone else’s”.
By doing this you consciously choose to put a statement out to the world (don’t even entertain the thought of a married man) and the power of the universe will bring new experiences to you. Choose your own life not another woman’s!
2. You are still alone on holidays
If you are single (not married and having an affair) then you are still alone every time a holiday rolls around. Oh, maybe you get to see him for your birthday because the wife doesn’t know it’s a special day, or perhaps he sends you flowers and lingerie on Valentine’s Day- but seriously, is this enough?
Why are you settling for the crumbs he’s dishing out to both of you? He isn’t fully there for her and he isn’t fully there for you, but at least she gets to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with him. What do you get? Family and friends always asking you where your boyfriend is that’s what!
3. You can’t just go out to dinner, grab a drink or see a movie whenever you feel like it
You are still basically single. Quit pretending you have a boyfriend. You don’t. He has a wife. You have nothing. You still have no one to tuck you into bed and kiss you on the forehead. You don’t have anyone to hold hands with and walk along the beach.
He can’t just get up and go somewhere and be with you. Everything is clandestine. You want to go out to dinner. He has to worry about who will see him so nights are always spent in your apartment. Although you think those little moments are everything. They are really nothing.
4. You have no one to take vacations with
You want to go to that romantic all-inclusive destination advertised on television. Oh, wait, that’s right you can’t. How in the world would he ever get a week away? He won’t. He can’t. You have to go to Vegas and be hit on by drunk hipsters instead. Don’t you love being a mistress?
5. You always “fit in” to his schedule
He has to get off the phone when she’s about to come home. He only has five minutes on his drive from work to talk. He can only see you for two hours on Friday. He can meet you for a quick lunch on Wednesday at noon, but only at your place.
You wait around hoping that you will get to see him and set aside time in case he will be free. You don’t make plans with friends or go out when you should, just in case he needs to see or talk to you during that time. What is good about this?
6. You feel like a secret
You feel like a secret, because you are a secret. How does it feel to hide your love and hide your feelings from everyone? How does it feel to be hidden away and taken out only when it’s convenient?
No one likes to feel like they aren’t important, or like they’re with someone who can’t tell anyone about their relationship. Being a secret does not feel good. Over time it will wear you down.
7. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you
This is one of the scariest reasons. Why did he cheat on his wife? Every woman likes to think it was because there was something wrong with the wife, but you’re so perfect for him he’d never cheat. Think again.
If he cheated because there was lack of communication it could easily happen again. If he cheated because he needs an enormous amount of attention to feel good about himself, it’s likely you will never be enough and it could happen again.
If a man cheats with you, can you really trust him? Deep down inside? I don’t think I could. Often the reasons he cheated don’t disappear with a divorce, they just go into hiding for a while. If you want to take your chances on that, be my guest. But, the odds are not in your favor.
8. He wants sex. You want love.
Sometimes men cheat because their wives stop wanting sex as much, or aren’t as adventurous. They truly love their wife and want to keep their life and family intact, but need more sex and/or different kinds of sex.
At first, you may think it’s great. No commitment sex with a guy who is completely enamored with you. The problem is that women tend to fall in love once we have sex, because of this little thing called “oxytocin”.
Over time, you will fall in love, and you will assume he has too, because you can’t conceive of the fact that he doesn’t feel the same way. But, I assure you, he can and he will feel differently. Men do not view sex the same as women. He can easily keep you on the side and not fall in love with you. He may like you a lot, but is that really enough?
9. Sex may be steamy, but it is totally inconsistent
So, you’re having this crazy, amazing sex. You are addicted to each other. Just talking, Skyping or seeing each other drives you absolutely crazy. But how often does this happen? Do you get to come home to it? Is it waiting for you with candles and red wine? Likely not.
The sex may be crazy hot, but it isn’t consistent. It happens whenever and wherever it can, which makes it all the more enticing. But, this my friend is not reality. This feeling is your endorphins and adrenaline kicking in and other things that don’t last.
10. You can’t develop true intimacy with someone who is living a lie
You think you love him. You think he loves you. Maybe you do love each other. But, what kind of love is it? You may share everything communication-wise, but you don’t share your lives, and without that you’re only sharing the good times and never the hardships of living day to day.
You are both living a lie and although you think you have intimacy, you don’t. What you have is a façade of intimacy. Without the hard times, you don’t know what true intimacy means.
If and when he decides to leave his wife AND file papers then, maybe. But still, is he going to be ready to jump into a relationship with you? If he is, I’d be a little skeptical.
I can’t comprehend why any self-respecting woman who wants a REAL relationship would ever want to be a mistress. What do you really get out of the relationship other than second-hand love?
Hey, I get it. Sometimes we are at a place where we can’t deal with true intimacy. I’ve been there. But, once you pull yourself out of that hole, decide that you want and deserve better – and remember these 10 not-so-seductive reasons why you should never be a mistress.