“Love is blind to blemishes and fault.” – Irish Proverb
Excuses, Excuses
Have you ever thought that you could love someone enough to make everything work?
Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t really happy but you kept saying, “But, I love him”?
If so, I know how you feel. It has happened to me many times. Actually, many, many, many times. More times than I care to admit.
Every one of my relationships was fatally flawed. They weren’t flawed because I chose bad, evil men. They were flawed because I loved these men for their character not knowing if they could actually make me happy.
I fell in love with them because of who they were, not how they made me feel. Yes, they were kind. Yes, they were charismatic. Yes, they were attractive. But, not one of them really listened to me. Not one of them made me feel like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Not one of them cared about meeting my needs. They all thought they could just show up, be nice and that was enough. It wasn’t.
Still, I stayed. I kept trying and trying. Always thinking that if I was enough they would care more. If I gave more they would care more. If I was nicer they would want to care more.
I stayed hoping some miracle of all miracles would happen, because I loved them and shouldn’t love be enough? Unfortunately, it isn’t. It never will be. Just loving someone is never enough.
No More Excuses
So, whether you are in a relationship that you are unsure of right now or if you are just venturing into the dating world ask yourself these things before you settle down with a man.
- How does he make me feel about myself?
- Are my needs equal in importance to his own?
- Are his core values in line with mine?
- Does he want to know me? The real me?
- Is my life better with him in it?
Don’t ask these questions just once. Ask them over and over. Ask them after one month of dating. Ask them in 6 months. Ask them in 6 years.
As much as you love him and as much as you think he may love you if he can’t make you happy and/or doesn’t want to make you happy you are wasting your time and wasting precious moments of your life.
There are many wonderful, kind men out there, but that doesn’t make them right for you. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you can be happy with them. Don’t waste years on a man just because “you love him”.
Every day is a choice. Choose your own happiness and in doing so you will choose love rather than it choosing you.
Carrie, how do you know whether someone just ghosts you and it is better to move on from that, or whether it is your own insecurities driving them away and reaching out to them again could turn things around?
I met someone end of April at a festival and we spent 3 days together, thereafter messaged almost every day since we live 4 hours flight time apart) til July when we met up for half a day and it was so lovely – kept messaging and 1 month ago he came to visit for the weekend.
Yes I had expectations and wanted everything to be perfect, and that put pressure on it. And we did have a good time and connected, but in between it felt like he closed up completely, only to then be lovely and open again. After he left, the contact was much less, so 2 weeks ago I messaged him, explaining that I was confused how our communication had changed since his visit, that I liked him and wanted to get to know him better and thought he felt the same about me, and asked him to let me know if that was not the case. A few days later he replied that he had been down lately and introspective but was sure it would pass. I replied asking what it was about and that he could reach out any time he wanted to chat, but haven’t heard anything since. Do you have any recommendation? Thank you.
Remember that men do what they want to do. Let it go and trust in the universe.
so no more reaching out you say?
No! If he wants you he will come after you. If he doesn’t….find someone who IS interested in you. If you chase after a guy they run…
It sounds like these guys were nice and you couldn’t accept that, think about the guy that’s trying to make it work and you’re really in love with an illusion. You’re wasting his time when he could meet someone that could love him.. Really reading all that it sounds like you be off to the next guy as soon as YOU weren’t happy, the only problem is that it sounds like you’re relying on someone else to keep you entertained. Sorry to be blunt about it but you’re going to be chasing your tail if you keep trying to find someone heal your inner self
I appreciate your input and your opinion. Good luck to you.
Carrie,
It seems to me (more and more every day) this post is equally useful for men, not just women. Nice post.
John-
You are probably right. Sometimes we ALL make excuses for those we love or those we think we love….
So true.