“Attachment and aversion are the root cause of karma, and karma originates from infatuation. Karma is the root cause of birth and death, and these are said to be the source of misery. None can escape the effect of their own past karma.” – Mahavira

Have you ever heard of attachment styles? If not, I’m going to give you a brief summary of what they are and how they affect every relationship you’ve had and will have.

There are three types of attachment (please remember that these are broad overviews):

Secure

It’s estimated that 60% of the population are Secure in their attachment style. If you have a secure attachment style it means you are connected to your partner, you offer support when needed, you turn to them when troubled.

If you are secure then hats off to you because you are likely happier in your relationships.  If you are not secure, don’t fret because you can all learn to become more secure, although it won’t be easy and won’t seem normal at first.

Anxious

If you are Anxious you constantly seek reassurance from your partner and you are highly sensitive to their moods and any type of emotional withdrawal. Because you fundamentally feel unsafe in your relationship you may require constant attention, become needy or interpret all of your partner’s actions as validation of your own false belief that they do not truly care about you.

Avoidant

There are two types of Avoidants, Dismissive and Fearful. It is unlikely an Avoidant type would even read this article as they generally do not seek help or wish to change and do not have enough awareness to know they are Avoidant.

Dismissive Avoidants seek to distance themselves from their partner. They create a world in which no one else is truly needed. They have convinced themselves that love and attachment are not required.

The Fearful Avoidant craves yet fears intimacy. They will often be involved in rocky relationships and will be moody and withdrawn at times and social and happy at other times.

Problems

If you are the Anxious type you will usually be drawn to the Avoidant type.  If your partner is seriously avoidant then there is nothing you can or ever will do to create a bond of intimacy.  Trust me, I know.  I dated the most avoidant man on the entire planet for 2 ½ years.

While I was dating him I was not aware of attachment theory, but looking back it all makes perfect sense. He lived in his own little world. Sometimes he would let me in and then he would push me back out.

Being anxious, I was constantly worried about whether he would contact me, want to see me, what kind of mood he would be in or whether I would be enough for him. He never once fully committed to me and never cared about whether I felt safe and secure in the relationship and I kept going back for more trying to fix my own anxious attachment issues.

If you are anxious you and are dating an avoidant do you stay even if you know your partner won’t make you happy? I couldn’t leave. I tried. I tried three times and then I gave up because obviously the universe was trying to teach me something.  Eventually, as I knew he would, he ended things and I never heard from him again.

What I learned from that relationship and from his avoidance was that I could calm my own anxiety despite his behavior and his constant lack of reassurance. I had to learn to sit with my anxiety and his avoidance.  I had to learn to calm my own fears ans stop seeking external validation.  Learning this was a valuable tool in moving forward.

Knowing

Knowing your attachment style and how to interpret the attachment style of your partner or potential partner can be extremely useful. There are tools out there to help you understand how to interact with someone who is avoidant or someone who is anxious.

I would highly suggest reading either or both of the books below, especially if you are anxious and keep making the same relationship choices.

(This Post Contains Affiliate Links. Please see our Disclaimer)

Attached Insecure In Love How to Love Or Leave a Dismissive Partner

Are you Anxious In Relationships? Here’s Why & How to Fix It