“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” — Walter Anderson

Every day I wake up wondering what happiness feels like.  What does it feel like to have peace and contentment? What does it mean to have a sense of joy and appreciation in the little things?  What do you do when you look and look and you search and search and yet happiness and contentment seems elusive?

Maybe, for some of us happiness isn’t as simple as implementing little tools like practicing gratitude or giving to others, taking care of yourself physically or maintaining optimism.  Maybe, for some of us discovering happiness requires a little bit more.

What if I told you that all of the little tools in the world won’t help until you get past some of the things that keep you stuck in your unhappiness in the first place?

You’re probably asking what in the world I’m talking about and asking why it has to be so hard and what does it all mean.  I’m not sure I have all the answers.  I only know what I have learned through my own struggles with happiness, or the lack thereof.

What I realized

It all comes back to the same thing.  Every time I try to address this “happiness” idea I come back to the same, stupid, irritating reason.  I don’t know what happiness feels like because I still don’t feel safe enough to experience it.

But, I want to know what it is.  So, when I want to try and figure things out I usually do a bunch of research and try to learn from others rather than try to reinvent the wheel, since frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing half the time.

So, before we go any further, take twenty minutes and watch this Ted Talk by Brene Brown.  Brene is a researcher who wrote a treatise on the power of connection between humans and what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

If you can’t view the talk now, put it on your list and go back and watch it later because it will give you a huge amount of insight into what I’m talking about in this post.

How this video relates to my story is very simple and once I realized it I think I gained a ton of insight into why I can’t ever feel happy.

What Brene discovered during her research is that all feelings of disconnect stem from shame and our feelings of unworthiness which stem from the inability to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  Ultimately she discovered that in order to find connection and in order to find happiness (she doesn’t necessarily address happiness as an end goal, but the two are inextricably linked) we have to be able to be vulnerable

If we try to hide and mask our fears, our insecurities and our self-doubt and if we push them down by using food, alcohol, spending, medication, work, or anything similar we also hide and mask our ability to feel happy.  When you hide yourself and you live in fear you are living in a world of power and control and without giving this up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable you can never be truly happy.

When she said this a light bulb went off in my head.  No wonder I can’t experience happiness.  I have been so deathly afraid of being vulnerable that I feel disconnected from everyone in the world, including myself.

I’m not capable of being vulnerable yet.  I am trying.  Being vulnerable and showing my true self and letting someone else in still scares the living daylights out of me.  How do show your true self when you’ve spent years putting up walls because you needed to in order to survive?

I wonder if you can relate.

My natural reaction when I’m in a relationship is always to run.  Despite this feeling, I never run. I sit and I cope.  I manage my stress and anxiety and I put on a pretty face and keep moving forward.  But, deep down inside I want to run.  I don’t want to be there.  I don’t want to be open.  I don’t want to share my needs, feelings or desires for fear they will not listen or will not care or will think that I’m ridiculous.

Most of us live in fear because we don’t want to be hurt.  We don’t want anyone to get into our heart and mind and into our soul because that requires vulnerability.

So, we sit in our unhappiness trying our best to make it through the day having no real concept of how to be happy with ourselves and thereby be happy with the world around us.

Power & Control v. Vulnerability

What Brene’s research found is that you cannot selectively numb emotion.  When you try to stop yourself from feeling the hard feelings (fear, inadequacy, shame) you also numb the other feelings (gratitude, happiness, contentment).

One of the ways you numb your fears is to live a life of power and control.  The more we can predict try to minimize our discomfort

If you numb fear by trying to stay in control of your life then you numb yourself to the beauty of possibility.  If you try to arrange your world so you can predict every outcome and know every end result, then you are avoiding being vulnerable.

We are wired for struggle and imperfection, but we try so hard to be perfect and to control our environments that we begin to live an inauthentic version of ourselves.

If you cannot be vulnerable you cannot be happy.  To be vulnerable means accepting all those parts of yourself that you don’t want anyone to see and not only accepting them, but showing them to others.

But, How?

So, the question becomes how do you do this?  How do you become vulnerable?  Although I’d love to be able to answer this I’m not sure I can just yet.  I have an idea of what being vulnerable means, but it will take a lot of time and a lot of practice for me to act on this truth.

I’m guessing the first step still lies in accepting and loving myself.  I have gotten better, but I’m not all the way there yet.  I try to take little steps every day.  I meditate.  I contemplate who I am and what I want.  I place sayings like, “You Are Enough” in front of me so I have to look at them.  I practice telling myself that I’m okay and that I’m safe and that I can learn to let go the world will become a more beautiful place.

Everyone has their own negative messages and everyone has their own path to follow when it comes to learning to love yourself. I can’t tell you specifically what you need to do, but you can try these things and if they don’t work then try something else.

The key is to keep trying because everything you have always wanted is on the other side of fear. Every day try a little harder to give up power and control.  Make a plan and let things happen organically. Believe that you are okay and that you deserve happiness and love. Discard your negative beliefs and open yourself up to whatever may come.

Let down your walls even if only for a few minutes or a few days or a few hours. Trust in the universe and trust in yourself.  Have the courage to feel vulnerable and maybe, just maybe if you allow yourself to feel everything you have been trying to hide you will open the door to allow yourself to feel some happiness too.