“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Have you seen those commercials for the Addiction Recovery Network or whatever it’s called?  The guy proclaims, “I was once an addict, but I’m not one now”.  I’m not sure if I believe you can become “un-addicted” to drugs and alcohol, but I do know that you can wean yourself off of things you thought you needed and never take them again.

I was once (okay, more than once) depressed and on anti-depressants, but I’m not depressed now and I’m not medication either.  Although the anti-depressants that I took were not addictive, the fact that I was able to get myself off them and no longer need them is quite a feat.

I took Zoloft for over ten years, but I haven’t taken any for over eight years and my mood is just fine.  Yes, I’m sad at times and yes I can get depressed like everybody else,  but relatively speaking I have normal mood fluctuations and I no longer need medication.

If I can get off them so can you.

Depression is very complex.  I can’t speak to every person or to every reason for being depressed or claim to have a cure.  I can’t speak to those with serious mental disorders such as schizophrenia (although it has been claimed that you can cure this without medication).  What I can tell you is what worked for me.

Thoughts are like a little bus inside your head. It drives you from one place to the next. Without the bus your mind gets stuck in place and just sits there.  Many researchers believe that a lack of serotonin is one of the main causes (or reasons for) depression. But, recently I’ve learned there isn’t any actual scientific evidence to back this up!

It is my belief that you can alter your depression naturally so eventually you don’t need to alter them with medication.  As with any type of change, it won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but it can and will happen.

Why are you relying on what society or big drug companies say you need to survive and be your best self?  Who says you have to be miserable and depressed and there is nothing you can do about it except take a little pill?

To the best of my knowledge anti-depressants have never cured anyone from depression.

My History with Depression

My depression started around 12 and grew year by year into a full blown clinical depression with suicidal ideation. I was never formally diagnosed at the time, but I’ve read enough to know this is exactly what was going on.

When I was at my lowest my brain functioned in a negative cycle of internal abuse.  All the thoughts in my head spoke to me about my failures, my inadequacies and my inability to cope.  By Adulthood and to the outside world I probably seemed just fine.  I was working full time, going out with friends and functioning on a seemingly normal level.

However, what was going on inside my head was an entirely different story.  When I look back I realize I was able to fool everyone by keeping all my bad, nasty thoughts inside my head.  No one knew that almost every day I thought about wanting to kill myself.  No one knew that almost every day I wanted to find a way out of my life.

Around 22 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Having a low thyroid hormone means you become tired, forgetful and depressed because you aren’t producing enough of TSH.   I was placed on levothyroxine and at the same time I was also diagnosed with depression and I started taking Zoloft.

What happened next seemed like a miracle to me.  Within a few months my suicidal thoughts were diminishing and my desire to lay on the couch and eat mashed potatoes at all hours of the evening was waning.  I wasn’t suddenly the Ms. America of joviality but I was not bogged down with a lethargic sense of nothingness.

For many, many years Zoloft kept me able to function at a somewhat normal level.   I was able to get up every day and not want to cry.  It didn’t make me a happy person, but it made me able to exist on an even keel.  I know it kept me this way because when I would try to go off it I would slide back into the old depression and the suicidal thoughts would creep back in.

I needed this medicine for many years to keep me somewhat sane and stable.  But, the question is what did I do to get off of it and stay off?

Why Self Esteem is Key

We all come to a point in our lives where we realize we are no longer children.  We can’t blame the past and we can’t change what has happened to us.  We realize that if we want to be happy and find peace we need to do some (or a lot of) work  on ourselves and uncover every stone that has been weighing us down in order to find the green grass hidden underneath.

Most of my depression stemmed from years of childhood sexual abuse.  I had internalized a message that said something like, “you must be a bad person for this to happen to you” or “you should have known better” or “you’re stupid for allowing it to continue” or a million other things that were detrimental to my mental health.  Some of the thoughts were conscious and many were not.

The first thing I had to do was figure out what I was really telling myself which meant I needed some serious therapy.  I tend to work things out by talking and going to therapy allowed me to understand my thought patterns, where they arose from and once I understood them I had the ability to change them.

There were times when I went to therapy every week for years, and then I would need a break.  There were times where therapy was a venting session and there were other times that it was so painful I thought I might crack under the pressure.  Facing your demons in the light of day is no easy task.

There are many people who go to therapy forever and there are many who refuse to go.  I would advise against both, if you need it.  If you’re happy, then you probably aren’t reading this so the point is irrelevant. If you aren’t happy therapy can be a life saver, but it isn’t a cure-all and your therapist can’t do the work for you.

During the time I was in therapy I started working on my self-esteem.  I read a ton of books that were extremely helpful including I Want to Change But I Don’t Know How and The Self Esteem Workbook.

If you sit down and actually do the work you will be amazed at the progress you can make.  If you just read the book and don’t do any of the exercises, then nothing will change and you only have yourself to blame. These two books are amazing resources that literally helped me change my life.

To rid myself of depression I had to rid myself of negative thought patterns.  These were not silly little, “gosh I hate my hair” or “you don’t look good in brown” thoughts (although those negative thoughts were in there too). These thought patterns were unrelenting soul damaging thoughts.  I had to free myself of self-hatred and learn to believe in myself.

So, for years I went to therapy and worked on my self-esteem.  I went as often as a needed or as little as I needed.  When I felt overwhelmed I took a break.

When It All Stopped

I’m not sure I can say exactly when I stopped the roller coaster of going off and on my anti-depressants.  For years I wanted to be off them so I would stop and the depression would creep back and I wouldn’t even know it until one day it would hit me and I would realize I was depressed again so I would have to restart.

But, eventually something miraculous happened.  The therapy and the changes in my thinking were changing me.  I was becoming more positive and more able to handle daily life.  I was becoming less frustrated (with myself and everyone around me) and I was coping in a functional way.

One day I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants (Note: it is recommended to wean off rather than stop abruptly like I did).  I believe it was about ten years ago.  Naturally, I didn’t know it would be the last time, but I know it now.  I didn’t slide back into my depression.  Sure, there have been times where I was sad.  I have gone through a divorce and a few serious break-ups since then and I was depressed and in a funk for a period, but no matter what I was always able to pull myself out and move on.

The suicidal thoughts no longer consumed me.  The negativity, although still present did not run my life like a little devil on my shoulder trying to order me around.  Through therapy and working on myself I had literally changed my brain patterns.

My brain no longer thought the way it used to and it no longer used the same coping mechanism.  No longer did I need that little pill every day to keep me an on even keel and to keep me from wanting to kill myself on a semi-regular basis.

So, let me ask you this.  If I can do it, why can’t you?  I’m not anyone special. I’m not a genius or some guru healer.  I’m just a normal girl, with a traumatic past that made the decision to heal herself.

I did the work and the more work I do the better I feel.  Every day I try to focus on what I can change to make myself happier, more grateful, more fulfilled and every day I do this I become more and more secure in who I am and what I have to offer.

Every day I continue to work on myself the negativity lessens and lessens and now its barely a faint glimmer. I never thought I would truly be rid of negativity, but I would say its about 95% gone.  Sometimes even I can’t believe it

So, what are the negative thoughts in your head keeping you depressed?  Do you think you have the power to change them?  Will you let them and a little pill control your life or will you somehow, some way find a way to change the voices, change the patterns and change your life?