“Yes, I deserve a spring–I owe nobody nothing.”― Virginia Woolf,
Do you remember all those times your friends told you, “you deserve better” or “you are the best thing that ever happened to him” or “he doesn’t deserve you”? Did you nod your head and say, “yes, I know.”
Did you say “yes, I know”, but not believe it? Did you think it intellectually, but not truly feel the brunt of what that means? I know I did. I have.
This is the follow up post to the reunion with my ex.
Let’s just say it did not go so well. Actually, nothing went wrong, but nothing had changed with him. I had changed. He hadn’t.
When he left, I cried and I wondered why I would even want to be with someone who would be so incapable of caring about my feelings. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t mean to hurt me. It didn’t matter that he thought he as “protecting me” from himself. What mattered is how I felt.
Two weeks. I wallowed in depression, self doubt and misery for two weeks. Then, one day I said to myself, “you deserve better”. But, for the first time in my life I started to actually believe it.
You might ask what happened and how do I get to that place? To be honest, I’m not 100% sure, but I do know that I started reading again. I started listening. I took the focus on him and put it back on myself.
I realized that no matter how kind, wonderful and special he is there is no amount of love I can give to make him feel okay with himself. I realized that I had to save myself first. I have to feel okay no matter what he does or doesn’t do and no matter what he feels or doesn’t feel.
I knew that I had changed since the last time we met. No longer did I need his validation. No longer did it matter that he preferred to play a video game over talk to me.
In the past I let his actions define how I felt about myself. I let his ambivalence and his inability to think about my feelings be a measure of my self worth. Not this time. Not anymore.
Anything. Everything. You can be anyone. You can be anything. There is nothing written on the stars that says you are stuck with someone who is incapable of loving you. There is nothing predicting that your life will be spent lonely and unfulfilled.
Life is here today. How many more days do you want to spend waiting for someone who doesn’t make you happy? How much more of your life do you want to waste on someone who is incapable of showing up in a mature fashion?
I’m not saying it is easy. I’m not saying it is fun. What I’m saying is that you can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can change your world. You can change your karma. You can change your life. You. Only you.
So, remember…every time he puts you down….that is about you. Every time you cry about his inability to commit….that is about you. Every time you wait for something that may be in the future…that is about you and your desire to keep seeking that which doesn’t make you happy in the here and now.
We choose people subconsciously. They are put in our path to show us the way. You can make it about them or you can make it about yourself. You can create your life or you can let them create it for you. Which do you want?
Me….I want to create my own life and my own future. Why can’t I have a man who adores me and would do anything for me? Why can’t you? Why continue to play out the old, worn out messages in your head? They aren’t true. Your thoughts are not you.
What he thinks or wants isn’t a reflection of you and it isn’t a truth. The only meaning it has is the meaning you place on it. He is not the only man on earth. His validation means nothing. Even if he validates you it will never be enough. You need more.
So, seek validation from within. Create your own reality. If you ask me, “how do I do this?” All I can say is, “Little by little. Day by day. One piece at a time”. Just do it. Take a step in the right direction.
Ask yourself, “Do I deserve more?” If the little voice in the back of your head says, “YES” then you have your answer. Stop ignoring yourself.