11 In Break-Ups/ Love & Relationships

What Happens When You Finally Realize You Deserve Better

“Yes, I deserve a spring–I owe nobody nothing.”― Virginia Woolf

Do you remember all those times your friends told you, “you deserve better” or “you are the best thing that ever happened to him” or “he doesn’t deserve you”?  Did you nod your head and say, “yes, I know.”

Did you say “yes, I know”, but not believe it? Did you think it intellectually, but not truly feel the brunt of what that means?  I know I did. I have.

This is the follow up post to the reunion with my ex.

Let’s just say it did not go so well.  Actually, nothing went wrong, but nothing had changed with him.  I had changed. He hadn’t.

When he left, I cried and I wondered why I would even want to be with someone who would be so incapable of caring about my feelings. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t mean to hurt me. It didn’t matter that he thought he as “protecting me” from himself.  What mattered is how I felt.

Two weeks.  I wallowed in depression, self doubt and misery for two weeks.  Then, one day I said to myself, “you deserve better”.  But, for the first time in my life I started to actually believe it.

What happened?

You might ask what happened and how do I get to that place?  To be honest, I’m not 100% sure, but I do know that I started reading again. I started listening. I took the focus on him and put it back on myself.

I realized that no matter how kind, wonderful and special he is there is no amount of love I can give to make him feel okay with himself.  I realized that I had to save myself first. I have to feel okay no matter what he does or doesn’t do and no matter what he feels or doesn’t feel.

I knew that I had changed since the last time we met. No longer did I need his validation.  No longer did it matter that he preferred to play a video game over talk to me.

In the past I let his actions define how I felt about myself. I let his ambivalence and his inability to think about my feelings be a measure of my self worth. Not this time. Not anymore.

What’s next?

Anything. Everything. You can be anyone. You can be anything.  There is nothing written on the stars that says you are stuck with someone who is incapable of loving you.  There is nothing predicting that your life will be spent lonely and unfulfilled.

Life is here today.  How many more days do you want to spend waiting for someone who doesn’t make you happy?  How much more of your life do you want to waste on someone who is incapable of showing up in a mature fashion?

I’m not  saying it is easy. I’m not saying it is fun. What I’m saying is that you can do it.  You can do anything you set your mind to. You can change your world. You can change your karma. You can change your life. You. Only you.

Remember

So, remember…every time he puts you down….that is about you.  Every time you cry about his inability to commit….that is about you. Every time you wait for something that may be in the future…that is about you and your desire to keep seeking that which doesn’t make you happy in the here and now.

We choose people subconsciously.  They are put in our path to show us the way.  You can make it about them or you can make it about yourself.  You can create your life or you can let them create it for you.  Which do you want?

Me….I want to create my own life and my own future.  Why can’t I have a man who adores me and would do anything for me? Why can’t you?  Why continue to play out the old, worn out messages in your head? They aren’t true.  Your thoughts are not you.

What he thinks or wants isn’t a reflection of you and it isn’t a truth. The only meaning it has is the meaning you place on it.  He is not the only man on earth.  His validation means nothing.  Even if he validates you it will never be enough. You need more.

So, seek validation from within.  Create your own reality.  If you ask me, “how do I do this?”  All I can say is, “Little by little. Day by day. One piece at a time”.  Just do it. Take a step in the right direction.

Ask yourself, “Do I deserve more?”  If the little voice in the back of your head says, “YES” then you have your answer.  Stop ignoring yourself.

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    Michael Harley
    03/03/2017 at 12:08 am

    Your writing is going to the publishing level. You really need to think about putting together all these blogs into a book, a guide for living, coping, and achieving fulfillment.

    • Reply
      Carrie L. Burns
      03/03/2017 at 7:23 am

      Thank you! That’s definitely a thought!!!!

    • Reply
      Pete
      05/06/2017 at 7:49 am

      Carrie since men read your articles to perhaps addressing both sexes could be inviting.:)
      Pete

      • Reply
        Carrie L. Burns
        05/06/2017 at 10:42 am

        Thanks Pete. I do my best to make my articles gender netural 🙂

  • Reply
    Matz Mendonza
    03/21/2017 at 6:16 am

    Wow indeed a lovely blog… So True – If the little voice in the back of your head says, “YES” then you have your answer. Stop ignoring yourself.

    • Reply
      Carrie L. Burns
      03/21/2017 at 7:40 am

      Thank you Matz! Intuition is truly a powerful thing and the more in tune you become with yourself the more your intuition will speak to you!

  • Reply
    Fatima
    03/30/2017 at 2:41 pm

    Great advice, thank you!

  • Reply
    Nicole
    05/08/2017 at 10:46 pm

    Wow. I have read 3 of your blogs today and you have given me the strength I needed, the questions I know the answes to but was not willing to “go there”. I know I deserve better, I know I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, he even says so himself. I have to let go of the dream of a life past and a life that will never be what I want and deserve. After 15 yrs of marriage, I have to be honest with myself…how many years were real, how many years of pain have I lived through? I deserve so much more.
    He left me a month ago and moved in with his mistress. I was still willing to take him back, see hope in his ambivilence,.. but for what??? Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me be honest with myself!

    • Reply
      Carrie L. Burns
      05/09/2017 at 9:23 am

      Gosh Nicole-I’m SO sorry. You DO deserve better. I think we often hang onto the dream of what we THOUGHT the person was or what we want them to be, but often it is no more and facing the truth can be awful and painful, but when you come out on the other side you will be so much stronger! Let’s be honest…do you want a man who would betray you and who doesn’t value you? I’m guessing I know the answer 🙂

  • Reply
    Elizabeth
    05/20/2017 at 5:50 am

    I am also in the process of going through a divorce with a man who physically abused me. I had him arrested but didn’t want to go any further with a criminal case and the state no filed last month. Last week I was told that he had went on a dating app after the arrest and met someone and was moving in with her next week. Although he has been out of our home for a few months this news crushed me. It hurt more than when he hit me. I have been home since raising our 7 year old son and driving every Sat to bring him to our friends home for supervised visits and your on a dating app looking for a new girlfriend?!?! Now you are moving a county away and starting a new life with this stranger. How could it be so easy for you? I am grieving the end of my marriage, processing the what ifs and all this time you were looking for new. In my head I know that she is now your easy out and that I do deserve better, but it doesn’t make this any easier for me. I cry everyday. I have restless nights sleep and all the while I know that you are sleeping just fine.

    • Reply
      Carrie L. Burns
      05/20/2017 at 9:02 am

      I know it’s hard….try to figure out why you would love a man who would hit you and/or do this to you. It isn’t about him. It sounds like you might need to learn to love yourself first. Once you do this you will look back and wonder how you could have even cared. I know it isn’t easy. Hang in there.

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