“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” – August Wilson
In a follow up to my post Why You’re Insecure In Love-Part II. I’ll tell you about the most amazing thing thathappened. I left my session and I waited. I waited. I waited some more. Actually, I’m still waiting. Amazingly enough, after one session of rapid transformational therapy (RTT) my insecurity disappeared. My subconscious belief that I was not worthy of love and that my needs were inconsequential was gone.
I can’t explain it. I don’t know if I fully understand it and I don’t know if I care. All I know is that the anxiety and insecurity that has been plaguing my love life forever is gone. The constant knot of fear evaporated or disintegrated or ameliorated or all three. I feel its non-existence. Again, if you’re interested you can find my therapist here: No BS Therapy.
I’m no longer worried about what my boyfriend says or doesn’t say or how he acts or doesn’t act. I choose to be with him in the full knowledge that if it doesn’t work out I’ll be okay. I’m able to step outside myself and see things from his perspective and from a healthier objective point of view instead of constantly living in my head.
I mentioned in my last post that he suddenly disappeared and it took him twelve days, but he showed back up as if nothing had changed and for him nothing had. I realized this is how he is sometimes. He’s just doing his job and he’s a Marine and sometimes I’m just going to have to deal with it. For the first time in my life I know that I can.
For the first time in my life I don’t need someone else to validate me or make me feel better or give me something to give purpose to my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a girl and I still like and need attention and I’m happier when we can connect.
But, for the first time I truly and honestly comprehend and have confidence in my worth and not just temporarily. I have always been able to feel worthy when I was alone, but as soon as I got into a relationship my insecurity would slowly creep back in. But now, it’s gone and it’s gone forever. I’m in a relationship and I feel completely confident.
What is Your Worth?
I totally understand the unexplainable fears (because insecurity is really just that-a fear) that inhabit your body and mind. I totally understand what it’s like when you sit around waiting for a text and you don’t get one. I know the continual stream of words that play around in your head telling you, “it’s over”, “he’s gone”, “he doesn’t care”, “why am I so stupid”, “You shouldn’t have trusted him.”
Let’s be clear. If you are insecure and you are dating someone who is avoidant all of these fears may have a basis in fact. He or she may not care. He or she may suddenly leave you one day with no word. However, if you just started dating someone and you hardly know the person or you are with a partner who has been good to you ninety percent of the time then your fears are unfounded.
Before you think about and focus on your partner and their supposed faults focus on yourself. Who was it that told you your worth? We don’t learn to value ourselves in a vacuum. Everything we become and everything we believe is a combination of our genes and our upbringing. Parents don’t have to be abusive to instill destructive beliefs in your head.
My parents weren’t remotely abusive, but they were emotionally absent in a lot of ways. The unspoken rule in my house was not to emote too much and although they loved us they couldn’t really show up for us in a lot of ways because they couldn’t show up for themselves.
This taught me that it wasn’t okay to express emotions or have needs. No matter how much I acted out as a teenager they still failed to really react. This taught me that no matter what you do or think or say no one will really be there for you so don’t count on them. That fear perpetuated my insecurity.
On top of that being sexually abused taught me that my worth was only valid as it pertains to what men want and need. So, I feared that no man would really love me for me and deep down inside I thought they would keep me around until I was no longer needed. That fear perpetuated my insecurity.
So both of those experiences established my self-worth, or lack thereof. Although I had done tons of therapy and thought I had really good self-esteem (and in many ways I did) it was so fragile that when a man entered the picture I would literally fall to pieces and my subconscious fears started to take over.
What messages did your parents give you? Or, maybe it was your teachers or your friends? Think about the voices in your head and what they tell you. Do they say you are stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, useless, dependent, difficult, strange or burdensome?
Whatever the voices in your head tell you are the subconscious or conscious messages you were given as a child. Until you can quiet those voices and stop listening to your messages you will continue to be insecure.
What Do You Want?
Sure, you can push down the anxiety or learn to cope with it, but is that what you really want? I would think that given the choice anyone would want their anxiety and insecurity gone forever. I know I did
Before I started RTT my therapist asked me what my life would look like five years down the road if I didn’t start therapy. I answered, “What life? I have no desire to live a live filled with insecurity anymore. It’s ruining everything.”
I had gone through five relationships where I was continually hanging by a thread. I lived in fear and blame and need. I sought out men who would perpetuate my insecurities and no matter how hard I tried nothing changed.
What are you willing to do to make your fears and insecurities disappear?
If you want to change you have to do the work. First you have to figure out why you’re insecure. Then, start to observe what happens when you’re feeling it. What do the voices in your head say and how does your body react?
Try to dig deeper to the specific situation at hand. When he or she doesn’t call or doesn’t react the way you expect or reassure you in the right way what is really going on? Where do those fears really stem from? What do you really believe about yourself? Why do you think everything will be fine if you suddenly get the right text or the right call or the right amount of love from someone else?
If you want to learn to be secure you have to stop seeking external validation and start looking inward. Keep searching. The real you is hidden inside your mind and inside your soul. There is a part of you that has been hidden away waiting for the day you feel safe enough to come outside.
Do whatever you need to do. If you want to have a happy, healthy relationship you can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I finally feel secure in my relationship regardless of my boyfriend’s need for tons of independence. It’s as if I’m able to have an adult relationship for the very first time and yes, I’m forty-eight.
Stop wasting time. If I can do it so can you.