“I really think that you have to find a partner that compliments you and is somebody that pushes you and is better at some things than you are, so they can push you to improve yourself as a person.” – Ashton Kutcher
Who doesn’t want the person they are dating to be “The One”? How do you know if they are the one for you or not? There are usually plenty of warning signs when we meet someone, but we tend to ignore them. However, there are some very serious warning signs that you need watch out for. There are at least three warning signs that the person you are dating is not the one for you.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you thought maybe that person was The One, or you wanted them to be The One, or you hoped they’d be The One, but you knew deep down inside something was a little off?
Maybe it was a nagging suspicion or maybe it was something really obvious, but either way you kept ignoring the warning signs in the hopes that things would be different or you kept pretending to yourself that things weren’t REALLY the way they were and that everything should be just fine if you keep working at it?
There are a lot of indicators that tell you whether the person you with is The One, or even if they’re right for you in the first place. But, here are four that you should take very seriously.
1. They Turn Everything Around And Blame You
I once had a boyfriend who liked to make everything my fault. Almost anything I said would be met with, “I feel like you’re judging me” or “I feel judged” and it took me months and months to get him to understand that it was really his parents who judged him and that I in fact wasn’t saying anything judgmental. His natural reaction was always to feel judged by anyone so of course he tried to push it on me.
When I divorced my husband, who I put through school in Greece at a cost of $20,000, supported him through another school in the United States and rented a 2 bedroom apartment so his sister (who didn’t speak English) could come stay with us during her divorce he actually said to me, “If you think you’re resentful then I’m 10x more so”.
I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t comprehend it. How was it possible? How did this man who I’d supported financially and emotionally, who I’d spent five years crossing oceans for be resentful of me? How can someone think you are always at fault when you’ve done nothing but be supportive?
After the fact I realized that the issue is probably two-fold. First off, he was selfish and he thought things should be a certain way and I suppose if I couldn’t make them that way then it must sort of be my fault.
Secondly, I believe that perhaps I didn’t love him in the way he needed to be loved and he was resentful. Our cultures were very different and maybe I didn’t know how to be the wife he wanted me to be.
Either way, to both of them nothing I did was enough. They always made everything my fault, which I of course readily accepted and which was mistake number one on my part.
If you are constantly (or even more often than not) told you are to blame or their feelings are your responsibility then this person is not The One and they are not for you. Interactions with your partner should be fun and easygoing and you shouldn’t feel like you have to be on edge or be responsible for someone else’s feelings.
2. They Never Want To Talk
Yes, I’ve had one of these boyfriends too. If anyone knows all the ways to tell if a guy is NOT The One it should be me since I’ve had enough of them. One of my boyfriends never wanted to talk, ever, about anything. I should have known. In the beginning I actually thought he could be The One. What was I thinking????
When we first met he would talk about some surface things like his ex-wives and why the marriages ended. He would talk about work and some of the struggles he was having. That lasted about six weeks and then I was pretty much told he didn’t want to talk about stuff. His now adult kids were off limits. His mom and dad were a Nope. His childhood-absolutely not.
It went from bad to worse. Eventually the little bit of sharing went to no sharing and not only was there no sharing there was no communication. He would come home from work, give me a kiss and go pick up a book or play a game.
I sat alone wondering what the hell to do. I knew something was wrong but felt powerless to say something because I knew I would be met with resistance. So, instead of doing something I started to feel responsible for the fact that he didn’t want to share with me and thought maybe I needed to be different. I was wrong, AGAIN.
It wasn’t me, it was him. He wasn’t capable of being open and showing up in an adult relationship and obviously I wasn’t either or I wouldn’t have attracted him. Luckily, by this point in my life I had enough self-awareness to realize what was going on and after about 3 months I ended things which was the best decision I ever made (despite the fact that I questioned myself for months about it).
If you find yourself with a partner who doesn’t want to talk to you about the real things then how much intimacy can you possibly have? What makes a couple last and what makes them strong are the moments they share together in complete vulnerability. Anything less than this is a surface relationship and if you want one of those, then that’s totally fine, but if you don’t you have to be able to talk to your partner about the hard stuff.
When you are with someone you need to feel safe sharing who you are and what you’re about and what you fear and what moves you as a human being and vice versa. As your partner needs to share with you then you also need to share with them. Men may not share as readily and that’s okay, but they will share when they feel safe and supported and know that no matter what you have their back.
If you find yourself with a partner who would rather play video games or read books or who goes out or who doesn’t want to actually be involved with you and your life then that person is NOT The One. Accept this fact and don’t try to change them.
First, figure out why you attracted such a distance partner, do some internal work and then, move on and find someone who wants to be engaged.
3. They Take More Than They Give
I am the queen of giving in relationships, which is a problem a lot of women have. We give and give and give and forget to ask or are afraid to ask or don’t know how to ask for anything and eventually we become resentful and pissed and then we’re done.
Everyone is different and some people are more selfish than others. If you are a natural giver then it is extremely hard to be with a fundamentally selfish person because your boundaries are not set up to stop giving all the time and you become exhausted.
In the past I had a tendency to attract selfish boyfriends. At least three of them were extremely selfish and I don’t think they really thought much about my needs and because I was so bad at thinking about my own needs they were never met.
Relationships are give and take and it doesn’t always mean a 50/50 split. Sometimes one person gives more and that’s entirely okay. But, if you find yourself doing all the giving then you should be concerned.
However, this comes with a caveat. If you say, I cook and clean and do the laundry and care for the kids and he does nothing, but in fact he is working super hard and bringing home money and paying the mortgage and the bills then you really aren’t giving more. He is giving what he believes he needs to give and what he should give. What you aren’t getting is support emotionally and it’s your job to communicate what you do need in a healthy manner.
I’m super giving (to a fault) and I have finally found someone who doesn’t take advantage of it and who in fact appreciates it and reciprocates. I rarely feel taken advantage of or like I’m giving more than I should and even if I do for brief occasions it passes in a day or so because I know it’s really my issue and not him.
If you are a giver you have to find someone who doesn’t take or you will feel overwhelmed and unhappy. Make sure that whatever you are giving isn’t too much and that you are comfortable with the balance of give and take. Maybe one person gives more financially and the other gives more emotionally.
Life isn’t perfect and neither is your mate, but if you are with someone who doesn’t give back then they aren’t The One and it’s time to move on.
You Know When You Know
Most of us know even though we don’t want to admit it. Most of us spend weeks or months or years sitting with a certain uneasiness or dissatisfaction that we know isn’t right but we keep going on in the hopes suddenly one day it will change. Let’s face it-there are some things and some people that can’t change and won’t change.
For the first time in my life I’m with someone who is secure. I don’t feel a constant fear of loss or fear that I’ll say the wrong thing and suddenly he’ll put up walls and run away (okay, I feel them a little bit, but his reassurance has made it so I rarely feel them).
With all of my previous partners, even if I thought they were The One I knew deep down inside something was off. I’m sure I was off and I wasn’t ready and that’s okay. But, if you feel it and you ignore it you can be setting yourself up for a lifetime of regret.
Why settle for less than you deserve? The person you are with probably isn’t a bad person (although some are) but it doesn’t always make them right for you. People come into our lives and our job is to figure out why they are there and learn our lessons and go about on our journey once the lesson is done.
Don’t cling to a false hope because you WANT them to be The One. Be honest with yourself and take a hard look at who you are, what you want and what your relationship really represents. It should represent all the wonderful, beautiful, amazing things about love, life and partnership and if it doesn’t then why are you in it? Think about it.